As part of my OkC posts, here are some of the worst places to go on a first date courtesy of Amy. Here’s to hoping I don’t get taken to any of these places next week, haha.
First date. Two words that will send shivers down the spine of even the most experienced (or drunkest) dater. ‘Where to go?’ is the question most would be obsessively panicking over. But what you should be thinking is the endlessly romantic ‘where NOT to go?’ It’s all good and well thinking about all the rose petals you could scatter over McDonald’s, but how are you going to disguise the ugly plastic seating covered in barbeque sauce? It’s great setting up a candlelit dinner on a street corner, but what about the variety of scruffy citizens that may decide to spend excessive amounts of time in your eye line? This is why filtering out the worst dating venues is important. Here’s a list of places you should probably avoid if you want your first date to be a success and don’t want to come home crying like you’ve overdosed on onion-cutting:
McDonald’s may be the dream house of all children who want to avoid mum’s cooking for another night, but this does not make it the perfect place for a first date. Greasy seating, insane clown creatures and extra value meals are not included in any romance novel for good reason. Imagine if Romeo and Juliet had their first date in a McDonald’s. There would not have been a romantic kiss at the window, but instead and awkward kiss interrupted by a red-and-yellow clown brushing a mop at their feet.
‘Oh Romeo, Oh Romeo, wherefore art thou Big Mac, Romeo?’ Juliet would say, followed by a mood-killing conversation about how he had to wait extra time to get his burger without gherkins. In other words, all romance would be dead. Want fries with that relationship? No, you can keep them, and we’ll stick to being single, thanks.
So you have nowhere to go and the car park outside the supermarket has some lovely grass to sit on, under the shade of summery-green trees. It may seem like the “perfect” place to go if you’re short on cash and want to enjoy the lovely blue skies of summer. But it isn’t. Unfortunately, the park is an undoubtedly public place, full of people who don’t feel like being forced to witness two people eating each other’s faces just to get some margarine. Let’s review the possible problems:
Possible problem one: you could end up causing a sea of disturbance to cast its powers across the faces of shoppers.
Possible problem two: you could end up annoying very vocal old men who think it’s within their right to shout ‘Get a room!’ or ‘Stick that tongue in there.’
And I’m now going to pretend that I don’t know this from personal experience…
Your Local Pub
It’s nearby, does great food and cheap drinks – the perfect place for a date, right? Wrong. Who wants the added pressure of the “locals” hanging about? Running into your jeering mates and getting teased by the bar staff over the fact you’re “courting” now is not going to take the pressure off.
People always imagine who they’d want to be stuck in a lift with, dreaming romantic fantasies about falling in love beside a beautiful backdrop of flashing number-buttons. However, the likelihood of actually getting stuck in a lift on a first date is incredibly slim, so if this is your date plan you’ll be sorely disappointed. Not to mention the other people that may be stuck in the lift beside you, awkwardly trying to find a direction they can look in without having their eyes savaged by the tongue-wrestling match you’re having. Strangers bundling themselves into a corner and weeping ferociously is not a positive feature of any date.
The cinema to see a good film
We all know what the “cinema” involves on a date. It involves completely disregarding the absolutely massive screen and entire purpose of the place in exchange for two hours glued to someone else’s face like you’ve been involved in a serious arts-and-crafts accident. But what if you can’t ignore the screen? What if it’s something so good that your date loses all interest in kissing? For me, paying £7.50 to see the Hunger Games and not getting to see the Hunger Games is way worse than completely screwing up a first date by discussing how awesome Jennifer Lawrence is, and how you’d be perfectly fine fighting other teenagers to the death in order to spend your life with her. If you want a long-term relationship then it’s probably best to go “see” something that is less interesting. Or maybe skip the cinema completely. Paying £7.50 to kiss is way overrated.
Outside the newsagents
Because nothing says future husband/wife material like a bottle of Lambrini and concrete post to sit on. As much as your date would love to spend multiple hours freezing to death and watching old men hobble through a door carrying cigarettes and cheap gin… just forget the last part, your date would not “love” any of that. Scenery that involves people desperately trying to drown their Friday nights in alcohol is not going to assist with getting that kiss – it’ll more likely result in you following in the old man’s footsteps. Gin for one?
At the park
The park usually involves three things; pigeons, aggressive teenagers and children, so unless you want to risk getting covered in bird poo, sworn at, and having romantic moments ruined by a scared mother trying to control a terrible-twos-tantrum, then you should probably avoid the park at all costs. Who wants to be reminded of your possible future life together on a first date? Screaming children = your date running a mile.
Does your date enjoy getting honked at by dodgy-looking car-drivers? No.
Does your date have an incredible love for corner-shaped areas? No.
Is the street corner a good place for your date? No.
A family party
Having your grandma watching your sad attempt at flirting is not going to go down well. ‘Back in my day we used to put more effort into the courting. Oh yes, you needed more than some sorry chat-up line to get my knickers off!’ Grab your coat, Grandma; you’ve pulled!
So, if you want to avoid strange men yelling snog-related insults at you, and your Grandma making disturbing sexual references, then it’s probably best to avoid all of these places on a first date. Unless these are your date’s hobbies, of course. By all means invite Grandma and a couple of strangers if this is the case. You’ll be married in no time!