This is a two-parter

I’ve always had trouble showing how I feel. If I had to show how I feel then I would always get embarrassed and brush it off and say “Oh, it was just a joke! HAHA,”. Maybe, that’s why I decided to start a blog. Because if I couldn’t show my feelings about certain things and other people then I can write about them. That’s what I do, I write. I can write about my feelings about anything for hours. I can pour all my emotions into the lines I write and it’s great.

Well, it’s not great. Because, I want to tell them exactly how I feel without hiding behind the computer. I just wish I had the courage to do that. Maybe… I should take some kind of debate class? I don’t know… apparently, it boosts your confidence in talking to people.

I don’t know where all this suddenly came from but these past week I’ve just been feeling the need to show my feelings. Well, just feelings to a certain person but we shall not get into that. I can write anything in my blog but there are some things I actually cannot psychically write without seeming like a sappy loser… or breaking down in front of my laptop. There are just some things my laptop should not witness. And, yes I know I’m making out my laptop to be like a person. Loser alert.

Anyway, enough sappy talk. It makes my heart hurt to even write anything close to what I am feeling. I’ve taken to wandering around my house TALKING to myself. First signs of madness? Yes, I think so. Moving on…

The return of Glee! My friends and I were actually, SO excited. I loved the come back episode. But really, Rachel – please, just get back together with Finn. It’s for the good of ALL of us. I’m not saying anything in case any of you watch Glee – I’m not a spoiler kind of person – but let me tell you… SO GOOD. I’ve also been catching up on Ugly Betty, Season 4. I saw that the FINAL EVER EPISODE of UB aired last night in America. Heartbroken? Yes, I am. No more UB?! How can they do this to my life? It’s heart wrenching.

I actually have to go to work today but I have so much more to write that I will stop here and continue the post when I come back from work. The time is now 9:14 and I will be leaving in exactly one minute. Ciao, for now.

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I was going to continue this blog as soon as I came home from work but I got caught up with watching Ugly Betty and watching NigaHiga on YouTube and tweeting and all sorts of things.

Today I had a good day. I was actually glad to be at work because it managed to take my mind off a few things. I also got my wages early. So, basically I was going to ask for some money from my commission because I’m going out tomorrow (Harvester! Can I get a “Woot, woot!”?) and I also need to top-up up phone because I miss texting Mutay and my boss was like, “Do you want your wages now?” And I was all like, “Well, I don’t mind…” and boom! My wage packet was in my hand before I knew it. Hurrah!

Random, but you know the reason I’ve been wearing leggings a lot more recently? Apart from the fact that I feel totally liberated in them… it’s like, I feel so free to move around in them! Leggings are so damn comfortable. Anyway, sidetracked – it’s because a certain someone said that I look better in them than I do in jeans. Which is totally stupid because I NEVER change anything for a guy. Well, at least I don’t think I do… Don’t you wish you could watch yourself back like a TV show and see all the mistakes you made? Then correct them? Hmm… I guess if you did that, life would be boring. That’s what makes us human, I think, making mistakes and then learning from them. Although, some people NEVER learn from their mistakes.

But the fact is I actually went with something because some guy said I look good in them. I don’t know how that makes me feel, to be honest. I don’t even know how I feel about some guy because he’s being such a bitch. And he’s not even there to be a bitch. I get that he may be busy but a “Hello” once in a while would be nice. People advised me against liking some guy who lives a fucking ocean away but me being me was stupid and yeah, well look where it’s got me…

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I don’t want to give up, though. I don’t give up that easily. Just because it’s been a while since we’ve properly spoken, it doesn’t mean I have to give up. It also doesn’t mean I have to seem desperate. :/

You know what? I need a diary. I’m okay with writing this stuff in my blog but there are some things that need to be kept under lock and key and hidden under my pillow away from prying eyes (for example, my sister). I should start a diary. And this time it won’t be like all the other times where I thought the whole point of keeping a diary was to REPORT everything that happened in your day, what I ate for breakfast, etc. No, I’m going to record what happens but also my actual feelings.

I don’t know why I’m on this whole feelings thing nowadays. I’m sappy but I think I’m only sappy to REALLY close friends and you, my blog readers. To anyone else, I think (and yes, I think doesn’t mean it’s true) I come across as this loud, gutsy girl who greets you like you’ve been their best friend in FOREVER. Boo.

It’s 9:12PM now and my Yahoo! icon keeps staring at me but something tells me that tonight some guy won’t be online and NO, I’m not okay with that but I’m going to deal with it and do something better with my life instead of waiting. I don’t like to wait. Well, unless you’re Mutay… or Sham. Other than that, if you’re not there in 10 minutes you see me disappear so fast I leave a cloud of smoke behind me.

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This post has been longer than my previous posts. I like it like that…

I have a lucky blue hoodie now because when I wore it today I seemed to be getting the most customers and when I’m busy with customers the day goes by faster. I liked that. Thank you, lucky blue hoodie from New Look.

Chynna x

PS. Did I tell you guys that I finished Ugly Betty? No?! WOAH, WHERE MY UGLY BETTY FILM AT?! No spoilers. πŸ™‚ I sort of liked the way it ended and I sort of don’t… but the way they did end means there could a chance of a film. SCORE!

PPS. You guys should check out the link at the top my the page, 50 Books. It’s my challenge to myself to read all 50 books before I die – I’ve read a few of the titles already, so I think I can definitely do this. Wish me luck!

7 Comments

  1. April 16, 2010 / 3:02 pm

    Haha I lovee steak and chips (:

    I think a debate class / public speaking class would definitely boost your confidence. It’s also a skill to be able to express your feelings in writing as well.

    Omg I love Ugly Betty! Haha, it’s kinda cheesy but really entertaining. I started watching Glee, but never got round to finishing watching all the episodes =/

  2. April 16, 2010 / 7:05 pm

    I agree that a debate class will boost your confidence. Other than attending a debate class, have you thought of the real reason behind the lack of confidence? Is it really about embarrassment? If it is, how come you are fine with writing your feelings on your blog?
    .-= Sakura´s last blog ..Yes, it’s over! =-.

  3. April 17, 2010 / 6:29 am

    Dear! >:D:D< but I gave up already XD hhahaha I also need a personal diary of my own so I created a private blog. I still haven't found the perfect diary notebook so I'm writing it on the net for a while. It'll have a password and all so only I can see πŸ˜€ hehee

    I watched the new ep of Glee! wasn't too impressed though, maybe because i expected so much after that lOONNG BREAKK! I did like that they sang Gives You Hell by All American Rejects! πŸ˜€ hhehehe

    WAHHH i havent watched last season's UB!! πŸ™ Im gonna get the eps from my friend though πŸ˜›

    take care and wish ya luuck!!
    .-= tiff k ´s last blog ..Classiqualized =-.

  4. April 17, 2010 / 11:03 am

    Hey new affiliate! I’ve added you too (: And I’m 16 now, the changing-age-in-about-me was like the first thing I did when the clock struck 12, teehee.
    You have a hoodie too! Yay to hoodies m/ I hope mine brings me luck too. I shall bring them to exams.
    Glee rocks, but I don’t really have the time to watch it now :/ the latest episode I was at, Finn was with the whats-her-name cheerleader and Rachel just broke up with the whats-his-name football player. *Sigh*
    .-= Yong Ling´s last blog ..Stomachache =-.

  5. April 17, 2010 / 11:13 am

    Oh yeah, and about showing your real feelings. I think I know how you feel! Its like, whenever you get tired of bottling up your feelings and you finally show it, the people around you starts giving you the pitying look and all of a sudden the atmosphere got awkward and you feel bad for making the atmosphere so awkward; so you have to act like you were joking and stuff or it doesn’t really affect you.
    That feeling really sucks. But usually, I’ll just go home and sulk or blog about it. In that way, only those that read your blog knows how you feel. And even if those people whom you showed your feelings to read the entry, they’ll just have to accept it. I don’t think its the solution you want cause what you want is to be able to express your feelings offline but its a piece of advice I wanna share with you, just in case you need it. (:
    .-= Yong Ling´s last blog ..Stomachache =-.

  6. April 17, 2010 / 4:42 pm

    Awww. Don’t worry honey! πŸ™‚ I’m totally like you. When I do something embarrassing, I just pretend it didn’t happen and laugh away my feelings y’know? I hate doing that but I can’t help it.

    It’s like when I had a boyfriend ages ago, they used to be really romantic and I just used to laugh and pretend they didn’t be romantic… I can’t explain it. I LOVE romantic people but when people are romantic to me, I can’t answer them because of my feelings – I can’t explain it. Haha. But I hope I’m making some sort of sense here.

    And I LOVE Leggings, I wear them all the time. I find it better wearing them than skinny jeans that really hurt when I walk too much.
    .-= Pauline´s last blog ..Ask Pauline loads of questions! =-.

  7. April 17, 2010 / 6:18 pm

    We’re sooo alike. It’s soo hard for me to express my feelings to actual people. Most likely the reason I’m so lonely without a boyfriend now πŸ™ Actually that is the reason. I can write or basically tell myself how much I loveee someone or any other crap but when it comes down to the telling the person who actually benefits from it I just can’t do it.

    I agree with you on the diary thing. There is so much that I feel but I’m too embarrassed to blog about most of it but sometimes I want to but just can’t. I had a diary when I was little but that didn’t work out so well and I tried to start one earlier this year but I felt like I had to write EVERYDAY about nonsense soo that didn’t work out either. Maybe I’ll start one again but I think I’ll keep it with me because I definately will NOT want anyone to read it.

    I watched Ugly Betty episodes when I was bored but I never really knew what was going on. Uuugh, almost everything is ending in America or going to cable TV and that just happens to be most of my favorite shows /:

    No, actually I don’t know what kind of laptop I’m getting. I know my mom took my old one to the shop. I hope they can fix it! I’ve never really used Skype actually but they also have this new one called ooVoo where it lets you take pictures and everything, it’s pretty coool (:
    .-= Simone´s last blog ..blah blah BLAH! =-.

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