Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

Lets talk about…

I feel like sex is still a taboo subject to talk about – in a candid way, anyway. Perhaps I’m not looking in the right place, but I can’t seem to find a lot of bloggers that openly talk about this subject. I want to be that person who opens the door to this discussion. Aside from textbooks and doctors, I feel like there isn’t someone who I can turn to and read about how they feel about sex on a personal level.

I’ve been watching Shannon Boodram’s videos lately. She’s amazing and so inspirational. Her videos have opened my eyes up not just to sex, but also to love and loving oneself.

My own opinions on sex have changed over the years. I was very sheltered growing up, so I was never given the sex talk. Coupled with the fact that I went to an all girls’ school run by nuns, you can bet I never had a great sex education. That’s one thing that bugs me. I understand that as a Catholic school, it probably isn’t proper to talk about sex, but at the same time not all of your pupils are Catholic. It’s better to be teaching people to have safe sex, than no sex at all. Curiosity leads to pregnancy. Just saying.

Living in a country that has free contraception, I still don’t understand why people don’t take advantage of it. Why be unsafe and risk being pregnant, when you can be safe and HAVE FUN. Yo, sex is fun. Hella fun when you don’t have to worry because you’re on birth control.

Anyway, I digress. Despite my mother being Catholic, she never actually told me that I should wait for marriage. I remember with my first boyfriend the only thing she said was to be careful. I don’t even know if that was alluding to sex or just being in a relationship in general, but I just took as both. My mum loves to dance around the subject. She’s not so uppity, now, but I kind of wish she could have been more open but I totally understand that not everyone can be open.

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I definitely want to be that parent who is open with their child. Not too open, mind you, because there is just some stuff that is private. I would definitely want to give them a proper sex education, just so that when they do decide they are ready then they’ll know what to do. What is a good age to even begin that discussion, though? I watched a Buzzfeed video, where kids were asked where they think babies come from. I was really impressed with one kid who definitely knew more than he was letting on, but was just being a little shy about it. Good on ya, mum. He even knew about C-sections.

I don’t even know how I discovered how babies were made. I know for sure that I my mother didn’t tell me, so I think it must have been through a book because I did read A LOT when I was younger. The library was my haven. I remember I was messing around in my parents’ room when I was younger and I found a condom that had dropped underneath the bed, and being young and curious I opened it. Thinking about how gross condoms are, I quickly threw it back under the bed. My mother then came to me (my sister wasn’t born yet, and so it could have only been me who did that) and was like, “You found one of your dad’s balloons.” and then said nothing afterwards. Great talk, mum.

Sex is still fairly new to me. Exploring my body is still fairly new to me. I didn’t lose my virginity until my late teens, and even afterwards with the guys I’ve slept with I didn’t even know what I was doing (like, of course I did, but you know haha). It’s still all fairly new as to what I enjoy. I’m still trying to be comfortable with my body, in fact.

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The way I look is a big thing for me. As an alopecia sufferer and just insecure about my lumps, bumps and eczema, it takes a lot for me to be intimate with someone as just my whole self. If I am showing you my true self (as in no wigs, no extensions, no hair sh*t), then I love you. Getting deep here, guys. You can totally have sex without love being involved, in my personal opinion. Sex doesn’t always have to be that ‘making love’ kind of sex. Sex can be just that ‘I need to let some f**king steam out because I’ve had a bad f**king day’ kind of sex. Sex can be whatever the hell you want it to be. However, as I said before if I am sleeping with you and my physical guards are down, then boy. Boooooy.

There’s always a stigma about girls sleeping around. It’s not fair. What if you just like having sex, you’re comfortable with your body and know what you want? Who are people to judge? I actually wrote about this in my Amsterdam post regarding prostitution – sure there are some that are thrown into that kind of work and can’t help it, but there are the ones that choose to be a sex worker and yet they are berated like they are a piece of sh*t. Yet, you’re perfectly fine with having sex with them anyway and throwing your money at them. OK.

How is it that if a guy sleeps around he is just a ‘player’? Sure, he can get called a man whore, but I feel like it isn’t as bad as being called a ‘slut’ or a ‘ho’ or a ‘whore’. Say no to slut shaming. If a girl wants to sleep with loads of guys, then why. Do. You. Care? It’s not your body. It’s not your choice. Leave her be. It’s not your business.

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Are numbers such a big thing? My ex boyfriend was obsessed with how many people I had slept with. I honestly didn’t give a flying monkey about how many he had slept with. It doesn’t matter to me. If I’m with you, then I’m focused on you and whom I slept with in the past is irrelevant. That is why it is the past.

Find someone who treats you like goddess. Someone who will appreciate every single bit of your. Someone who will cater to your needs and isn’t selfish, and actually asks you what it is you want. Someone who doesn’t make you feel insecure, and whom you can strip in front of and proudly say, “I am a freaking hot mama.” Return the favour, though. It is a two way street, after all.

Before all of that… Appreciate yourself. Stand in front of the mirror one day, naked, and wink at yourself. Throw yourself a compliment. Shake that arse. Once you realise how flipping sexy you are, you go out and conquer that world. Be the Khaleesi you wish to be.

14 Comments

  1. June 18, 2016 / 6:19 am

    Well well well… I ALWAYS use protection since I had a major STD scare a couple of years ago. I was scared out of my mind! Now, I just need to make sure every guy goes to get tested with me every single time he wants to have sex. No condom? No sex.

    I can’t risk being infected with a disease because men want to be careless and unsafe. Nope. Never again.

  2. June 18, 2016 / 7:50 am

    My mother is so open with sex that we often talk about it now, because let us face it, everyone unless for specific reasons, your own or other ways, has sex. Sex is natural, and it’s weird to live in my so called society and even when religion says it is bad.

    It’s there for so much more than making babies, because of the intimacy you can share or it could be a fun thing to do. I think sex is fine as long as there is protection aka safe sex and just a big talk about sex. Schools shouldn’t be responsible, but parents, not religion either.

    I personally enjoy and love having sex with my husband, and that’s fine. I wanna shout to the mountain tops that I have great sex a lot of the time, but I do understand, that not everyone wants to know of it or feels comfortable with it. Still, we have to break out of that comfort zone and do what we must. Sex is just natural and fun 🙂

    I could go on and on, but yeah, you’re right. You have the responsibility to finding out how to do sex right: protection.

    I am sexy and damn proud of it 😀

  3. June 18, 2016 / 11:51 am

    My mum has never given me the sex talk. Hilariously, she has said the exact same thing as your mum ‘be careful’. The first time I stopped over at a boyfriend’s house that was the extent of the talk she gave me. She could have meant anything, I still to this day don’t know whether that was sex related or not!

    Most of my sex education came from watching friends grow up way faster than I did, and supporting them in sexual health clinics when they went to get contraception. To be honest, I’m kind of glad to have missed out on the awkward conversation with my parents. I definitely don’t want it to happen at this age!

    Really enjoyed this post!
    Xxx

  4. June 19, 2016 / 3:30 am

    I think the reason why people avoid talking about sex in the public because other people somehow become offended by the subject. People are craaaay-zy… Anyways, I agree with you!! It’s better to teach about what happens in sex than avoid the subject altogether. There was some video I saw where an explanation was made between the differences between Euro and US’s method of teaching about sex to kids— which the US tells kids that it’s bad and all sorts of crap. Due to the method, US has a higher pregnancy rate for teens than different countries. @____@.

    I agree with you about the stigma about sex. Though, I don’t like the double standard thing going on where if a guy sleeps around a lot, he’s a player and when a girl sleeps around a lot, she’s a slut. What’s up with that?

    YEs! Appreciate yourself, self-esteem is more important than what others think about you!

  5. June 19, 2016 / 3:08 pm

    Go you for talking about sex! It’s a topic I wish I could talk about on my blog but too many people I know in my personal life, including my mum, read my blog!

    I think I was quite sheltered from the world of sex by my parents, so when I started dating Tyrone when I was 15 I was quite naive. I guess he taught me a lot, and somethings we learned together along the way. I love that it was new to both of us and we could embrace this new stage of our lives together.

    Even though we started dating when we were 15 we waited a year before we had sex, and I made sure I was on the pill before we did anything. I know my mum wasn’t very happy about my decision to go on the pill, but surely it’s better to be safe than sorry. And I live to think I’ve proved her wrong because I know she thought I was going to screw up my life being in a relationship so young. Nearly 7 years on we’re both living pretty successful lives and we are still happy and children free!

  6. June 20, 2016 / 12:15 am

    Bless this post, and I admire your bravery in writing about this. I was brought up in a Catholic family, went to a Catholic school, and anything about sex was completely taboo and totally wrong. I couldn’t talk to my parents about sex and I still can’t. Interestingly enough I read the answer (a very good answer) to a question on Quora, ‘what is the most underwhelming thing you have ever experienced?’ and found myself reading about a woman’s experience growing up in a religious family and eventually losing her virginity only to find it completely underwhelming. She also brought up the fact that men think that once they marry virgins, they have every right to have sex with their wife even if they say no (as if marriage seals the deal kind of thing).

    My parents (mother mostly) insisted that I save my virginity for marriage. I was brought up in a traditional way and I hated that I was treated like something pure when people knew I was still a virgin. I never spoke about it but when conversation came up I was that awkward virgin who just said ‘yeah, I have never done anything’. I didn’t like how men saw me like some prize possession.

    I despise when men get obsessed with virginity, or how many people someone has slept with (whether it is about you, him, or anyone else). You are right, it is in the past and should stay there. It’s OK to be honest about it, and you should be honest with any sexual partner about how many partners you’ve had. It’s part of practicing safe sex, but no one need dwell on it. That said, I lost mine to my best friend at the time and it was completely consensual (it was the first time for both of us). Later he decided to treat me like crap and make fun of our relationship, and make fun of virginity. 🙁 I don’t talk to him anymore. I was in love with him, but the feelings weren’t reciprocated. We liked each other when it happened, and my feelings grew stronger but we didn’t last. Oh well.

    I have since done it for ‘fun’, but one person treated me horribly and kissed and told – that’s something else I find it difficult to deal with. It is such a private thing and people don’t want to talk about it unless… unless they want to talk about it, really. I think that after some experience, I realised that I did not want to just do it for fun anymore. Now I am in a loving relationship where we engage in sexual activity because of our romantic feelings. It works for both of us 🙂

    I could keep rambling, but I just wanted to give you a massive hug for opening up the discussion. It was really super brave of you. 🙂

  7. June 21, 2016 / 5:20 am

    It’s too bad that sex is kind of a taboo subject, because like you said, it’s better to teach safe sex. In the US, there is no standard for sex education, so while some kids get taught about safe sex, some are taught abstinence instead. And well, when safe sex isn’t taught, it just causes more teenage pregnancies. Fortunately, my schools had sex education, so I learned from school instead of my parents.

    My parents expected me to wait until marriage, and I was actually ok with that at first. However, in college, a roommate asked me, “well, what if you never get married?” At the time, I was also with a guy who was fine with a serious relationship but was not into marriage. That’s when I changed my view on it and didn’t wait. I mean, why wait for marriage if you’re not sure if it’ll ever happen?

    I think that’s amazing that you guys have free contraception by the way! I don’t know why people wouldn’t take advantage of that! I have to pay so much for mine 🙁 My parents were not a fan of me getting on birth control, but honestly, even if I wasn’t dating at the time, I really felt I needed it. It helps so much for people with painful and/or irregular periods.

    Oh, and I totally agree on the double standard when it comes to sex. I hate how women are looked down upon for sleeping around but men aren’t. Why does it matter? How is it anyone else’s business?

    Anyway, kudos for being open and writing about this! It shouldn’t be such a weird thing to talk about!

  8. June 21, 2016 / 10:52 pm

    I LOVE this post! And I LOVE everyone’s comments and just the discussions taking place, well done you for writing this, it takes a lot of courage to write it.

    Like you, I grew up in a Catholic family. Also like you, I never got the “sex talk” like ever, even now when I’m almost 20 in a serious relationship. I remember trying to open up about it to my parents, but once they realised, it was sort of a “STOP IT RIGHT NOW. THAT IS FORBIDDEN!!” When it really shouldn’t be. I remember my mom finding condoms in my bag because they were giving them out at university for a sex awareness week, I remember her being so annoyed and angry at me. She didn’t talk to me for days.

    I just find it really upsetting knowing that I have no-one from my family to open up to about sex. I got taught sex education at school – including safe sex and that’s great but sometimes I feel like I need a little more – like a discussion about the whole thing you know? Like you, I had NO idea what I was doing. Heck, up until my interest in human biology I didn’t realise where you pee and where your vagina was were different places. I think it’s needed to have discussions of the topic more, without making people feel embarrassed or give them evils for talking about such a “taboo” subject.

    I totally agree with sex without love. It’s not always love. It’s sometimes the “PLEASE LET ME CLEAR MY BLOODY MIND FOR ONE FLIPPING SECOND!!!!” sort of thing. Which is fine. Sleeping with lots of guys casually too, is fine. I always say this to everyone I talk to this subject about: Your body. Your flipping choices.

    Trust me, even when my friends ask how many guys I slept with, I always dodge the question because why do I need to tell them a number? To what? Rank me? Nah gyalz n guys.

    I LOVEEEE you girl, I love how you opened up this subject! It’s not weird, it’s freaking awesome and YES to encouragement of exploration of our bodies!!

  9. June 22, 2016 / 1:39 pm

    I’ve always wondered what sex is like? I’ve read it in books but never experienced. Does it hurt?

    Would you like to exchange links?

  10. June 27, 2016 / 9:05 am

    Growing up, I was quite sheltered. Hell, I didn’t even know much about sex until like late middle school. What I did learned was all from online smut fanfics LOLOL! No, I did not get the sex talk from my parents. Oh, man, that’d been really awkward. The one time I did talk about sex with my mum, it wasn’t too bad, but STILL. No thanks. I didn’t grow up in a Catholic household, but being in a Korean household, sex was quite a taboo-y subject.

    I really can’t say much about this topic because I’ve not lost my virginity, haha! I’ve done things on my own and nothing past the second (or third?!) base with couple of guys, but the last guy I remotely did anything with was when I was 18. Now I’m 31. Uhm. Yeah. I’m quite happy doing sexy stuff on my own, thanks, haha!

    I think you’re going to be one cool Mum. There are times when I wished my mum was the type of mum who’s open about sex, but it is what it is for me.

  11. June 28, 2016 / 9:38 pm

    I finally stopped being shy enough to comment on this. So here I go, LOL!

    My parents were not shy at all about sex talk around us but they never actually gave us THE talk. I’m guessing that they figured that was enough. I also grew up in Brooklyn, NY and a lot of my peers were pregnant or growing up way too fast and by the third teenage pregnancy, you kind of figure out where babies come from, haha!

    The fact that my parents and surroundings were so loose on the subject leaves me baffled as to why I decided to save myself for marriage. I also had no interest in having a boyfriend until I graduated college. I didn’t wait until I graduated to have a boyfriend but I DID wait until marriage. I’ve told you this before but Joshua is my first and last boyfriend, kiss…you get the point =D

    Even now with being married, talking about this subject makes me so shy and that makes no sense at all because I wasn’t raised that way.

  12. June 29, 2016 / 10:34 am

    I’ve been trying to email you twice already but you never replied back at all. ='(
    What’s wrong? Why won’t you answer back?='(

  13. June 30, 2016 / 1:19 am

    I agree with you. Our country is very Catholic, everyone’s just so conservative. The congress is trying to pass a reproductive health bill to provide free contraception and add sex education in the curriculum of schools. Of course they’re having a really hard time passing this Bill because the conservative people just won’t let this happen. I’m not sure when it started but I’m sure it’s been around for at least 5 years now. I studied in a Catholic institution as well and I remember back in college that we got a whole subject intended for brainwashing us that the reproductive health bill is bad and that we should be against it. I think it’s better to promote contraception rather than have our young people ignorant about sex. It would really help prevent teenage pregnancies and deaths due to illegal abortion processes.

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