I always thought that I would use my blog to write thought provoking posts. You know, all long and windy that cause you second guess things in life. Seems that isn’t true because looking back at my past posts I just seem to prattle on about my mundane life and rant about university and sob over the loss of DT as the Doctor and pretty boring things now that I thing about it.
But then I really thought about it; I mean my blog is like my diary, so it kind of makes sense that I write down what happens in life -even if it pretty… slow. When I was little I always wanted to hurry and grow up – I mean, we’re all like that when we’re little, aren’t we? But when you finally do reach say 13 or 14 you realise that wanted your childhood years to last longer. Granted, you obviously still are child but you’ve gone past the stage where it was acceptable to wear clothes that don’t particularly match or to watch Teletubbies [TVs in their tummies – genius!] and you sort of look at things in a new “grown-up” way. There’s this poem that I discovered the other day called “I Wish I Were Young Again.” And at times I do but then realised that I have to live in the now and just take it day by day and there’s no point in dwelling the past and trundle up old memories. The only reason to bring them up is to remember how great my childhood was and without it, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Without my friends, family or even those people who just entered my life for a brief period of time – I wouldn’t be Chynna.[spoiler]
I wish I were young again.
When I could go to the corner store and spend the money I had just earned mowing a lawn on enough candy to ruin my dinner.
I wish I could go back to those days when I could spend all day in a fort built for me with help from my mom and dad.
When I could run down the street to where my best friend lived and spend all day long pretending to be GI-Joe and saving the world (but from what, I didn’t know).
Where baseball cards were more valuable than money and all I could think about was eating the stale gum in the pack like my favorite major leaguer.
When I could ride my bike for hours upon end and it never got boring.
When I watched TV for fun, not to escape from reality.
I wish I were young again.
When things were pure and innocent, because I didn’t know any better.
When people, all people, were good and nice because I didn’t know what prejudice was.
Where the glow coming from the Christmas tree was the next best thing to blowing out the candles on my birthday.
Where Mom and Dad and Baseball and Apple Pie still meant something, to ALL of us.
Where it wasn’t so bad to leave the front door open and sit in the front yard and waive to the neighbors as they walked by.
When a game of marbles “for keeps” was the most exciting thing going on.
When pool parties and sleepovers and trips to the beach kept us going all summer long. I wish I were young again.
Where the first time in the Eastern Sierra was like I had died and found my way to the best part of heaven that God himself had to offer.
Going down to the creek to try my luck with a pole, 3 salmon eggs and a boy’s innocent dream.
Playing stickball in a church parking lot where we knew we’d be safe but didn’t know what to be afraid of.
Falling asleep at night without a care in the world except for wondering what in the world the next day would bring.
Where there was no work and no bills and the only thing I had to worry about was chores and homework.
Playing tag in the front yard with the neighborhood kids and always remembering to look both ways before running into the middle of the street.
I wish I were young again.
So innocent that we didn’t know what it was to be hungry, homeless or without love.
So pure that we didn’t know what a nuclear weapon was, or what it could do.
So alive because we really didn’t understand what death was, or if we should fear it.
When we were just happy to get the $.50 we got from mom to get an ice cream cone from the ice cream man.
We all have things that we’d want to go back and do again, but the truth is, we can’t. We have to live in the now and do what we can to make the best of what we have. If you stop and think back to what you did when you were younger, some of it makes a lot of sense today. A lot of it was really stupid and sure, we have a lot more to worry about these days, but it’s all the same stuff. Just stop for one moment in time and make it yours. Live it. Be the moment. Think about what is important to you and think about what it really is that you want. It’s not that hard if you just try. It could be as simple as when you were younger.
I’ve no idea where this post suddenly came from but I’ve been pretty thoughtful this past few days. Maybe it’s the cold getting to my head? It’s just that thinking about – I’ll hopefully be going to university soon. University! Me?! It’s scary yet exciting at the same time. A whole new adventure for me to take on. I’ll be completely out of my comfort zone when I move out of my home – but yet it excites me. I love trying new things which is partly why I want to go to university in Coventry. It’ll be so far away from my home, family and friends but yet, I’m kind of glad because someday I’m going to have to break away from the family bonds and live a life of my own. I’ll be in Coventry on my own but in this day and age, thank God for technology. It feels like it was just a couple of months ago I was fretting over my GCSEs and now here I am fussing over portfolios and A Levels and coursework. It’s so weird how time flies. When you were little, time seemed so slow but it’s like when you hit a certain age it zooms by leaving you in a daze and a state of confusion as to why you’re suddenly at this point in time so soon. Am I rambling? I tend to ramble when I’m trying to get all my thoughts at once. When I’m angry, my words tumble over each so that sometimes I have difficulty getting my point across and then I get more angry at myself for stumbling and looking like an idiot which in turn makes me seem like an angry beast. Or when I’m hyper; I jump around like deranged maniac – I hop from one foot to the other and yet again, I stumble and trip over my words making seem even more crazy. I have no idea why I’m writing this but I feel like I should. That if I don’t I’ll spontaneously combust. Now, we don’t want that do we? What would you guys do without me, hmmm?
I’m just scared I guess. Of everything that’s happening and what will happen. Like, my A Levels coming up which is a HUGE pressure on me because they are what’s hopefully getting me into university [and whether they like me enough to give me a conditional offer] and my portfolio is what’s happening now. Which, I know, I keep going on about but if I don’t I start to worry that’s it not good enough. I try to not to think about it too much but there are moments when i just stop and think about portfolios and university and sometimes I actually have to pinch myself and bring myself back to reality and stop getting stuck in a reverie. And it’s so, so scary. More than I thought it would. I have this slight pressure from my family too because I’ll be the first grandchild to get into university and also the first child to get into university. And sometimes, I wish I wasn’t the eldest child that it was my sister who was the eldest because in my eyes, she seems the perfect candidate. The sort of person who’ll get into, I dunno, Cambridge or Oxford or something and come out with a degree and automatically get a job – high ranking at that and probably marry some handsome man and they’ll live in a house with a picket fence and flowers and have 2 and a half children. The perfect little family. And our mum and dad would visit them every Sunday – they’ll take the kids to the zoo or to the park or something. And me? I don’t see myself at all in that picture. It’s like I don’t exist. But, when I think of that I always see my mum in my mind’s eye and she’s smiling at me and telling me, “Yes, Chynna – you can do it.” And I see hope. Does that sound cheesy?
My heart always beats faster when I think about the future. I never thought that I would grow up – I s’pose I thought I’d be like Peter Pan. Never grow up – just be stuck in this 17 year old age forever. Granted, I wouldn’t mind but I don’t think I could stand much more of school and hormonal situations. I just really can’t imagine myself as an adult. I s’pose that’s why I write though. To escape reality we always have something we do where we can have reassurance. I write. I also s’pose that’s why all my characters are 17 or 18. Or when I was 16 they were all 16; I don’t write about children or adults just characters the same age as me because I can relate with them. It’s weird because I can actually relate with my own characters not because I wrote them but I just can even if I’m not in the same situation as them. There’s a great bond between an author and it’s character. I know, I’m no author [yet] but m’eh. I’m being cheesy again. Seems like a daily occurrence.
Like I mentioned before, I literally have no idea where this post came from but it’s like fate or something that I had to write it. I don’t know if I believe in fate or that’s someone up there who is controlling what we’re doing or what we’re going to do. Like where pieces in a game of chess. Maybe someone or something is up there and thinks our lives are just a huge game to them. Who knows? And I believe in God [Weeeellll, I believe there’s something there but I dunno – it’s sort of an untouched territory with me] but the whole going to heaven when you die – I dunno. It just seems a bit unreal. Like, how do we know we’re going to Heaven [or Hell] when we die. There’s no proof. There haven’t been any occurrences in which people came back and told their loved ones about how Heaven is so great. It’s the sort of thing I think I’ll believe when I see. And I also wonder why there are so many religions in the world when they all have one common factor: they believe in God.
I think I’ll leave this post as it is because I think I’ve thought provoked enough. Humm..
PS. Bit of light relief:
Yo Yo Yo,
All you sucka earthlings’s aint got nothin’ on me.
On my brains, on my looks, You cant touch David T.
I’m a Time Lord. But Doctor’s preffered.
Don’t forget that word.
I know you overheard.
Sha-Sha Shaken, not stirred. DT is so hardcore.
The teninch’s silent when it sneaks in your door.
Make love to your woman on the bathroom floor.
I dont play it like Shaggy. You’ll know it was me.
Cuz the next time you see her she’s like Ohhhhhh, David T !!!